By Eric
Since the beginning of this tournament we have been living in dread. Dread of a certain inevitable phantom: a Lydia or John week of curated movies.
Whenever we explain to John that the winner of the tournament gets to pick seven movies (this happens often, as he cannot pay attention to the rules) he always says the same thing: "Oh boy! Seven movies! Get ready for Das Boot, Rick Steve's Europe, Simon Shama: The Power of Art..." and as he lists his insults to cinema, a dark voice mumbles from the shadows: "Get ready for a week of Pokemon movies..."
I am relieved to say that the phantom has come to pass, and it was not as bad as it promised to be. Lydia won the tournament with Bolt (I know), and only chose one Pokemon Movie in her lineup of seven animated features.
1. Pokemon: Zoroark: Master of Illusions
As you may remember from
Sally's Review, there comes a moment in every Pokemon Movie when a sane human, forced to watch it, finally cracks and finds something inexplicably, hilariously funny. In this case, Beth could not control herself over how they pronounced Zoroark. Was it Zor - oh - ark? Zor- oo- ak? Zor - uh- ork? Add in it's pre-evolution, Zorua, and you can see why Pikachu sticks to shouting
"Pikachu!"
Zoruaouuaarku?
2. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Can we watch How to Train Your Dragon again please?
"The Technological Singularity is coming, Sam. You cannot stop it. You can only evolve with it."
3. Treasure Planet
Let me just clear one thing up: Treasure Planet was an awesome movie, Cat People withstanding.
Cat people run...
4. Summer Wars
Shampoo tricks Ranma into pretending to be her boyfriend for a weekend. But when the internet is stolen and Ranma is blamed, only a rag tag team of nerds can set the world right. As with all Japanimations, right at the very height of romance, our two star-crossed lovers will look into each other's eyes, lean in close and... HUG? Or maybe they kiss cheeks, or touch foreheads, or hold hands. Gah!
Take her! She wants you! Take her now and never stop!
4 1/2. Bambi
We made it about 20 minutes in, before the younger generation held a mutiny and vetoed Bambi as part of Lydia's week. We didn't get to Bambie's mother dying, but honestly we couldn't care less after nearly half an hour of a retard deer exploring a boring forest full of rodents.
Apparently baby deers walk like spider monsters.
5. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
"If you were asked to choose the most fabulous character in English Literature, who would it be? ... I would nominate... J. Falius Toad."
—Narrator.
I agree with Narrator. Toad is boss! Toad does drugs all fuckin' day! Toad lives in a castle; he don't give a shit, his dad gave it to him. He and his horse buddy smoke grass until there's no grass to smoke. Toad's broke but he don't even care. Out of Marijuanna? He can just lick himself! He sees a swank-ass car? He'll trade you a castle for it! The cops bust him, but his horse buddy breaks him out of jail because they're tight as hell. Forget English Literature, Toad is the best thing to come out of humanity!
Are they really animals or does Toad just THINK they're animals?
6. The Road to El Dorado
Opinion was divided on Chel, the love interest in El Dorado. The women in the audience thought she had inhuman proportions and distracted from the plot. We men thought she had inhuman proportions and distracted from the plot.
But if you take her back to Spain she might find out about bras!
7. Brother Bear
Brother Bear is about a hard-nosed black cop living in the wrong part Brooklyn in the early late 1970s, and it rounded out Lydia's week of Blacksploitation films very nicely.
Just kidding, she chose another Disney movie.
